My eyes stare unfocused out at the endless road and the starless night, and I realize that I would rather be anywhere else, anywhere at all, except here in this goddamn car. I hate the throb of the engine, I hate the smell of sex and gasoline, I hate the song playing on the radio, I hate the flashing of the streetlights racing past, I hate the rushing wind in my hair, I hate the feeling of Kazuya’s arm around my shoulders as he speaks, soft and smooth in that way he does, saying something I haven’t really been paying attention to.
“… It’ll be easy. The two of us together, there’s nothing we can’t do.” He’s leaned in close now, his other hand resting on my thigh, but I don’t feel anything at all. “All we have to do is win, and everything we ever wanted, it’ll all be ours.” He’s grinning, but it just looks hollow in this godawful flickering sodium light. “Just trust me…” I’m so tired. Tired and carsick.
From the driver’s seat, the man in the fancy white jacket finally speaks. “I now reveal the end of –”
“Stop the car.”
He chuckles, deep and rich. It makes my head hurt. “No need to worry, we’ve almost reached our destination. Now –”
Without really thinking about it, my hand finds my breast pocket and pulls out Kyoko’s switchblade, the one I haven’t let go of since the day she died. I’m already reaching around the seat, holding it at his throat. “I said, stop the fucking car.”
I catch a glimpse of his eyes in the rearview mirror. They look surprised more than anything else, like this was the one thing he wasn’t expecting at all, wasn’t prepared for. Kazuya pulls back in stunned silence too, as the car screeches to a halt. I try the door handle. Locked. Whatever. I hop over the side, landing my feet on the midnight-black asphalt.
Kazuya looks at the man, then back at me, desperately. “What are you – This wasn’t how –”
The man talks over him. “What on earth do you think you’re doing? You have no idea where you’re going, you stupid child!” I’m 15, I know exactly how this works. I’m a child when it’s time to make decisions, an adult when it’s time to face consequences. I know I’m going the hell away from this asshole, and right now that’s all I need.
“Fuck you. Fuck both of you. Fuck dueling, fuck your stupid castle, fuck the student council, fuck that whole fucking school. I’m out.” I pull the ring off my finger and hurl it over the side of the highway. I don’t hear any sound of it landing.
“Please, wait, don’t leave me –” Kazuya cries out after me as I turn and walk back along the road. The man cuts him off again, saying something indistinct, before the engine revs and the car speeds away to where-the-fuck-ever. The noise fades into the distance, leaving only the quiet electrical hum of the streetlights, the breeze now soft and gentle, the faintest chirping of insects, and all the other little sounds of the night that you can’t hear over a roaring motor. I still don’t know where I’m going, but I’m already starting to feel better.
On foot, I start to see all sorts of things I missed on the drive out here – or maybe they really weren’t there before, or maybe I just took a different turn somewhere. There’s trees by the side of the road, numbered distance markers totally out of order, road signs for weird destinations – “Paradigm City 90km”, “Gold Crown Town 50km”, “Kazamino City ��km”…
Eventually I notice brighter lights ahead, and find myself at a small rest stop. There’s not much there, just a self-service gas station and a diner with an unreadably faded sign. I honestly have no idea at all how long I’ve been walking, but I could use a bite to eat.
A bell chimes as I walk in, and a few people turn to look at me. There’s a kid with old eyes, wearing a trenchcoat and an aviator helmet, sitting alone near the back. A couple truckers laugh heartily over beers. Three girls in Ohtori uniforms gesticulate wildly while passing a manuscript back and forth; they wave when they see me, and one jokingly blows a kiss. I don’t know them at all, but they look kinda familiar.
“I’m not going back, you know.”
“Oh, we know, we know!” one says in a cheery sing-song. “Good job getting out, you lucky stiff! Just how long will we be stuck there, I wonder?”
“I wonder, I wonder,” another chimes in.
“I’ll be leaving any day now,” says the third. “I’m going to become a Hollywood actress, just you wait and see!”
“I keep telling you, Hollywood isn’t real. It’s just a place they made up for the movies.”
“Of course it’s real, where else would they film the moon landing?”
The three of them start bickering, and quickly forget I’m there. I walk on by and find myself an empty table.
One sandwich, two coffees, and a danish later, I pay my bill and step back out into the night refreshed. I’m not sure what time it is, but there are stars out now, all across the wide open sky. I see the kid from earlier in the parking lot, tuning up their motorcycle while having a small argument with nobody.
“It’s none of my business … Sure, but … You really think so? … Okay, fine, fine, I’ll ask.” They turn to face me. “Hey, do you need a lift anywhere? Hermes doesn’t usually take extra passengers, but he said you reminded him of someone.”
“Hermes – ? … never mind. I appreciate the offer, but right now I just wanna walk. It’s not like I’m really going anywhere anyway.”
“I understand. I’m not going anywhere particular myself. I’m just a traveler – as long as I can keep moving and keep seeing new places, that’s all I need.”
“That sounds real nice. Right now I just need to get away from where I came from. Too many assholes telling me they’re the adults and I’m the child, and that means they get to decide who I am.”
Their eyes are very old and very young as they gaze into mine. “… I understand that too.”
We stand in silence for a moment, just us and a few little lights in the darkness.
“Well, I should get going,” they say, hopping onto the motorcycle. “Take care out there, okay?”
“You too. Safe travels.” I give a little wave as they ride off, and continue my walk to nowhere.
The road’s end. A thicket of briar, and beyond it, the forest. As I walk closer, I see someone else standing there, reading a warning sign about bears. He looks kinda like the asshole driving the car, same white outfit and everything, but there’s something different about him. He looks kinder, and sadder, and very very lost. He looks like he doesn’t know how to drive.
Hearing my footsteps, he turns around to face me, and holds out a ring. “You dropped this. Do you want it back?” he asks softly.
“Fuck no. Keep it,” I say. “Actually – you friends with the guy who hands these out?”
“Friends … isn’t what I’d call it.”
“Cool. Keep the ring, and punch that asshole’s lights out for me.”
“… That’s not something I’m able to do. That world is outside my reach now, and even this ring cannot grant me entry.”
“Fine, then go find someone else who’ll kick his ass, and give it to them. Someone who can make it through that damn meat grinder and never lose themself, no matter what everyone else tells them they are, no matter what everyone says growing up means.”
He looks me dead in the eyes, and nods slowly. I walk on past him, cutting my legs as I climb over the briar, heading straight on into wilderness, not looking back. There are no more roads here, and far in the distance, I think I can see the breaking of the dawn.